My leaving Sister Double Happiness was no small decision. It was very rough to do. we were really starting to have big shows in SF. I remember a Sunday afternoon show at the DV8 .. it was a free show that was not a usual thing for that club. the place was packed--hundreds of people had come to see us. after each song a roar came from the crowd. i was having a blast. just the right moment and i was comfortable as could be. I remember Mikey being great on stage. throwing that long hair all around as he beat the bass into a bluesy thud on each song. i was standing in front of him watching and moving my hands in unison with his. It was wonderful. after the show i was upstairs drinking at one of the bars. this was the area of Health Drinks--Brain Drinks at local clubs. Bullshit herbs and sugary stuff in huge glasses that cost a ton but people loved them. a nice girl tapped me on the shoulder to say how much she liked the show. i was always pretty nice and thanked her. turned around to see Debbie and we started yakking and in my expression to make a point moved my arm and knocked the full drink all over the poor girl. she was soaked in sweet goop and sticky crap from her expensive drink. "oh, god...I'm so sorry!" she looked like she might cry..i grabbed a towel and bought her another drink. i left her there soaked but holding a new concoction.i was broke but the day was a turning point. the next big show was at The I-Beam. since torn down and replaced with another new business in Height St. wow what a club. ran by a woman named Cathy Cohan.. another packed show and after that we were doing great. I was loving it, but i had always wanted to be a monk. funny, but true. as a child i dreamed of being a Franciscan Monk. the great St. Francis and his love of animals was my patron saint when i became a Catholic so now i had discovered Vedanta i wanted that more than anything. i had met one of the old monks at the 2500 acer retreat the society owned in Olema, Ca. His name was Sahajananda. One of the most wonderful people i have ever met. Hard working and very strict in his actions and beliefs. he was always watchful an gave the best life lessons to me in the kindest wats ever. i wanted to live at the retreat and spend my days working there and practicing meditation. Swami Prabuddhananda was a bit more realistic. he was telling that i was not used to that life and would find it very hard after the newness wore off. I, of course did not want to hear this and said no, it wqs not true. I would call Sahajananda at night and talk about how i wanted to move into the monastery. he told me to just wait and watch the situation. if it was worth doing it was worth waiting for. i also found out i was a little to old to join. solders and monks are needed to b younger. not set in their ways. but i was hard headed and wanted to do it anyway. i could move into the place and not be a real monk but live the life. i told Lynn and Ben one day i had to leave SDH. they were not too happy at the thought of the band just breaking up and me leaving. I mostly cared about Lynn. we had been playing together for a while now. she had really become like a sister to me. but at last he gave me her blessing and i left. when i told Swami Prabuddhananda he said, "hump--ok..". i thought he would jump for joy--'gary has decided to become a monk'...well, that was not the case. i was working only three days a week at the time at the shelter and the other days i was at the Vedanta. On Monday i went to Olema with the young monk Greg...the other monk i hung out with was a tall goofy guy named Bret. i stayed there till Wed. and came home for the shelter staff meeting on Wed morning . then on Wed night i went back to the Vedanta mid-week lecture to hear Swami speak. on Thursday i cleaned a room at the Old Temple..a huge, old wooden Hindu temple built in 1906. then Friday and sat i worked and hung out with friends. Mostly Debbie and Phillip. then Sunday back to the Vedanta. i soon left the shelter and started working at a little cheese shop owned by an Indian fellow and a devotee of Vedanta. i hated it..i knew nothing about cheese and did not care to know. but i like my boss--the shop manager. this guy had been a monk for 20 years and one day just left. walked away. he was still a part of the society and went now and then, but was over being a monk.
one Friday night i thought i might go to North Beach and hang out...cruising for sex. an adult bookstore up there was a great outlet if you wanted it, but did not want the gay bar atmosphere, or in my case, i did not want to get to know anyone or date....of course because i was trying to be a monk.. and not even have sex---yeah, right. anyway now and then i would 'go looking' for something and did i ever find it that night. oh how i wish i had never gone. if i had just stayed home i would have maybe, been living at the retreat today. but it was not meant to be.
the bookstore was tacky, not too clean, and nothing but dark and filled with booths showing porn and plenty of glory holes. which had inspired many a song sung by myself...one being Sat. Night at the Bookstore. Well, Friday night would do this time. i hardly ever made it North beach but here i was.
standing around looking at the other guys and sort of waiting to see what action was there...a group of about 6 or 7 young sailors came in. talking loud and laughing loud. they were not in uniform but it was easy to tell by their haircuts and 'cool' clothes that they were indeed, sailors. i was just looking at them and thinking "Hummm", when one of the particularly goofy looking ones came and stood right in front of, and made eye contact, with me.. i have always liked nerdy guys...goofy looking that is. short blond hair, glasses, and a little thin blond mustache.
big blue eyes and a sort of hungry face no one could miss. that sort of dirty look only the filthy
minded sailor, or solider could have. i wondered if he really knew what was going on in this place. looking at that face again, i thought, "Oh, yeah. He knows". i walked to a empty booth and he was right on my heels. i knew his friends were all over the place, but if he didn't care neither did i. well, into the booth we went and as the door closed, so did my reasoning and desire to live the life of a celibate monk. about half and hour later i left the place and walked slowly to the bus stop. we had made a date to hook up on Sunday. he said he would call me. i gave hm my number and he slithered out of the booth and left. i could hear his buddies laughing and yelling as they walked away into the night..
. i spent the whole day on Sunday helping a friend move from Palo Alto to San Francisco...an all day back breaking move. i spent most of the time looking at my watch. the sailor was supposed to call me at 7 pm...i got home about 6. i was completely centered on him calling me. I showered fast and found myself planted by the phone till about 10. You ever done that? the phone waiting hell. this was no cell phone. they did not exist. if you wanted to get the call, you waited by the phone. it was a big old telephone. a silent, not ringing thing..
the whole time asking myself "why are you setting here...why are you giving in to this illusion, this silly crap?" Setting there even after it got dark. Waiting by that big telephone.
After a sleepless night i met up with Greg for our Monday trip tp Olema. I was like a fish on a grill...squirming and really in fucking hell. i could not really talk about it with the other guys since i felt so stupid and so foolish. after lunch i walked up into the hills and sat in the forest and just busted out crying. "Why?", i thought had i been so dedicated in my efforts to renounce the world and gave up my band and all the things i had looked forward to...for a night of meaningless sex with a dumb ass guy who stood me up and did not give a shit about me.?
well...after a few hours of this kind of thinking i realized it was a way for me to get back into the world. i was too old and set in my 'hard to give up'-ways. in my thinking a knew if i was not going to make it as a monk there was only one thing for me to do ...i walked fast back to the retreat house and called Lynn.
'Hey, Lynn, this i Gary"
"well, hello--what's' up?"
"Lynn, I'm in Olema. can you come get me?"
after a long pause she said yes. i could tell it would be a hard sell, but i knew i had to get the band back together. there was no other thing to do. i was thinking it had been a whole year. i had not even talked to Ben or Mikey but i also knew they had issues to over come and maybe the year had given them the time they needed to deal with their own stuff. When Lynn got there i had packed my little bag and was waiting at the gate. i had told the other monks i was leaving and needed to be at home. one of the senior Brothers told me to just be easy on myself and follow my heart. i don't think he knew i was dealing with a little sailor and a filthy bookstore..rock and roll and sexual needs...but really, who knows?.
the ride into town was about an hour long. I poured out my heart and told Lynn every thing. she told me she did want the band back together but needed to know my monk days and leaving the band were over. it had been a bit of a life upset to them and i knew it. i assured her i would be triple dedicated to SDH...now i had to talk to Ben...and Mikey. Both guys were into getting back together again...like Lynn, Ben wanted me to really be sure i was ready. Mikey was completely open and non-judgmental....happy to play with me and Sister again.
I never stopped going to Olema or stopped seeing my Guru and hanging out with the monks. even to this day. it's always been a blessing in my life. One that has kept me from being more crazy than i am. Duue to Vedanta and meeting really holy and honest people i am more grounded and inwardly happy. I always have a shrine in my house. i try and meditate every day or at least pause and give thanks to the teachers i have learned from in my life. This includes my parents and family members who were my first teachers.
---------- My father had died in a car wreck in 79. now i got a call from my mother. she was sick and i needed to go home and help. i can only hope people have the deep love of a mother like i had. if not the mother then some colse family member to hold you and give the unconditional love that my mother always gave me. my mother stood back stage and watched the Dicks more than once. I remember a very wild show in Austin at the Ritz on 6th St when we were opening for Black Flag. after the show she told me, "I am so proud of you. you sang your ass off and i am really proud!" when Ddicks records came out, i gave them to her and she played them. after SDH put out out first album she told me, " i can play this for my friends and not have to hear you doing so much cussing". i said,
" do you play the Dick's music for you friends?? why?"
she didn't even flinch and told me, " hell, yes, i do. I play your records because i am proud of you". once when she was visiting me in San Francisco SDH were playing at a short lived club on Market St. I wanted to see how shy she might be. she was setting with a few of my friends that she knew. when we played a song or two i told the crowd "my very best friend is here tonight..my best friend all of my life...my mother !"
i thought she would be shrinking, however she stood up and yelled loud enough for the whole place to hear, "My baby!!!" i have never had a moment in my life that i felt more blessed to be so loved. i was shocked and at the same time teary eyed.
My mother had had breast cancer a couple of years before. and the cancer had come back. she told me the doctor had found a spot on her liver. i told my boss that i had to leave and take care of her. and within a few days i was in Lake Jackson, Texas watchng one of the great lights of life began to fail.
this was a little bit after Halloween in 1988, she died on Dec. 22. My friend Debbie and Roxanne were with me when she died. the runaway shelter was a time of growing up for me. the death of my mother was my ccompleat coming of age. Even at my mid-30's i was still a bit of a baby and alittle bit hell raiser too. i walked from the hospital room when she passed away and left on Christams eve headed back to SF. i was so sad but knew moving on was my only choice and what she woould want.