i was looking for a spiritual path. i would always call my self a 'small c" communist, but to hell with 'religion is the opiate of the people' crap. i was not into that thinking. as a matter of fact, i had always felt if the communist leaders had allowed the people to practice spirituality ...have the gathering places of the church, not having a state religion but a flourishing of different paths the communist political system would never have fallen. If you remove the spiritual freedom from people's lives you soon have a deflated people. the proof has happened--there is no argument. i certenly think the two could have mixed. It also seemed to me as soon as one communist leader died very soon he was not only replaced but denounced....so whatever -- i loved the idea of keeping a socialist world overview with a path of god-consciousness. as usual i felt a 'fuck you' to the few people who gave me any grief for my beliefs. i was looking and knew the Christen path was not gong to work for me.Prue Christian folks were wonderful...if they really followed the teaching of Jesus. i loved Jesus. but that type of Christian was hard to find. usually a lot of judging was found toward my own experience. so i was looking for another way -Buddhist teachings were next and i looked deep into the Buddha and found a lot of different thinking and so many variations i became a bit confused and kept moving. although now i am as Buddhist as i am anything. i had though the years seen many times the book Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. i had often made fun of his looks--a sweet faced, androgynous holy man from India. i felt ashamed for laughing at his looks as i opened the book and found him a wonderful teacher and the book itself a fascinating story of his life. i was reading the book one night after the kids had gone to bed at the shelter. I was working with a great guy named Ishmeal. a really sweet and super smart man who late, sadly, died . his spirit was funny and loving and giving. when he saw the book he sad he had been instretedin some eastern techers...and knew of Yogananda. a few says later he bought three little books to me when we were both at the shelter again. from the Vedanta society. 'Thus Speak Sri Ramakrishna, Holy Mother Mother, and Swami Vivekananda'. A picture of the three Indian teachers were on the front of the little pocket books. and quotes from them made up the books. he gave the books to me and told me he had gone to the big temple on Vallejo St. that they had a book shop. That i should check it out. At once i felt a attraction to the books and the pictures. I couldn't wait to go and see the place. I had found out a year before that i had diabetes. it ran in my family and the dr told me to loose weight. yeah, right! however it seemed to be the time for me. i had started riding a bicycle and walking all over SF. it was a good time for me. popular band, good job hat i loved, and the adventure of a spiritual life looking at me. i was happy. when i first went to the Vedanta i found a lot of old women working at the book shop. and nuns...not the catholic type but still nuns. i loved it. i would go every other day and hang out reading and buying books. asking the women tons of questions. the first book i bought was by the great writer Christifor Isherwood. Ramakrishna and His Decipeles. Isherwood was a follower of Vedanta. being gay and excepted into the Vedanta Society in LA i was happy to start showing up at the Sunday lectures and even meeting the Swami in charge. i was even loosing weight..about 80 lbs. in all and the diabetes had 'gone away'. soon i got the swami to become my teacher by giving me initiation into the followers of Vedanta and Sri Ramakrishna.
Around this same time i left the shelter. the 'burn out' factor had et in and i had to move on. i would miss many of the friends i had made there, and keep seeing many who i am till friends with to this day..truly the best job i have ever had.
but leaving the shelter and not being able to shake the problems and nightmares of the kids who were getting more and more heavy was too much for me. so i left. as alwys the good and the bad run together like twins. bad comes with good and good with bad.
my mother was sick...cancer .
a few months earlier i had quit SDH. it made the other folks in the band pretty pissed off at me. we had just recorded our first album...on SST. it only took 48 hours to record nd mix. great music, but i wanted out..i wnted to join the monastery and be a monk. yes. me--a monk.